


Self-fulfilling prophecy

by GoodOmensAndBadPress



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Help, Multi, Prophecys, but bear with hun, i have no good train of thought, okay so this is a bit of a weird au, peter actually has a personality beyond "james shadow" and "likes food"
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-15
Updated: 2019-02-25
Packaged: 2019-08-02 18:36:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 15,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16310537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodOmensAndBadPress/pseuds/GoodOmensAndBadPress
Summary: Making friends is easy. Any 11 year old can walk into a classroom and find their clique, why cant he?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I will be honest this fic is pretty much me projecting so sorry if characterization seems weird but its been so long since I read the books the characters have all warped into my own ideas as to what they are
> 
> all creds to J.K.Rowling, none of the characters or settings are mine

Sirius was called to his mother’s office late on the afternoon of receiving his O.W.L results. This was to be expected to discuss his results and possible options regarding his N.E.W.Ts. He had done well with almost straight Os; however, he had only received an Exceeds Expectations in history of magic, but he hoped his 100% in divination would balance it out. Or not, the stings from her last punishment still buzzed on his wrist but he was always ready to tempt a little more at her expense. Upon reaching the great black door to her office he knocked gently.

“Enter.”

“Mother it’s me you wanted to talk about my O.W.Ls?”

“Yes, they were alright, rather disappointed in history of magic I expected better than that from you. After all I haven’t spent all this money on Regulas’ education, you should consider yourself privileged to have had such an advantage that many of your peers could only dream of.”

Home-schooling. Most wizard children, upon first showing signs of magic, make objects move, change the weather or even set things on fire. At the tender age of five Sirius froze up in a catatonic state for five hours. Not moving or speaking, barely breathing. His nannies were terrified, and the family doctor was called all the way from Japan. Eventually despite the cause unknown he awoke, shivering and sweating as though with a fever. He leant over to his mother, taking her hands, the only affection he could ever dare take from her, and said “uncle Alfred’s going to die.” Three days later Alfred Black was found dead in his living room, the cause was covered up by the press.

There hadn’t been a seer in the family for generations and upon hearing the news of Alfred’s death Walburga immediately notified Hogwarts that her son would not be attending in 6 years’ time. From that moment on he was no longer a child but a commodity to be used to the family’s advantage. His feelings and thoughts were no longer his own, as long as he kept turning out predictions and prophecy’s to further her twisted plans he was kept around, it was the unspoken small print in their metaphorical contract. From that point tutors from around the world were paid extortionate amounts of money to come and stay at the family manor in the countryside, all to provide an extensive and closely monitored education. Not only usual O.W.L subjects but also those not on the Hogwarts list, such as Latin and Greek, wand lore for beginners and even muggle subjects that his mother approved of such as the three Muggle sciences and Advanced Muggle Mathematics though he was under strict instruction not to let anyone else in the family know of this. In return for his education, Sirius was under lock and key, the children in the muggle village were a threat and playing outside without a nanny to keep close eye was forbidden. “There are dangerous people out there” his mother told him, but he couldn’t help but feel as though it wasn’t the people outside the walls he had to worry about.  
Every morning he reported to her any visions or predictions. She herself wrote down any details of what he said. Sometimes she would ask for more, sometimes she would stop him and say it was all irrelevant. He often didn’t understand the visions, sometimes they were passed quietly, more of an inkling of what was to happen, and sometimes they passed so gently he would forget about them until the next day, when a red robin he had seen before would hop in through the window. There were a lot of messy ones, those he hated, ones with people yelling and wands firing and smoke swirling in his mind. The worst were the ones were people died, but he often didn’t know who they were. At first his mother brought in a sketch artist, but he soon learnt to draw them himself with their gaping eyes and open mouth. It was almost therapeutic giving his mother the drawings, they were her ghosts now. The ones his mother liked the most were ones that took place in locked rooms, two people talking to one another, the dialogue louder than it should be; these consisted of trade deals that hadn’t happened yet, affairs between two married politicians, all leverage that could be used to her advantage. Thinking about what she did with the information made him feel sick; it wasn’t a secret that she was close with the so-called dark lord. He had stopped reading the papers since every time he saw a face he recognised, an innocent person killed, or a murderer escaped from justice, he would be sick. He felt like an accessory, he was being used, how many more people had to die before he did something. He might as well have killed those people himself, the blood on his hands was unparalleled. He hated his gift, it did nothing but make him guilty to crimes he didn’t want to commit. Sometimes though, every few months he would have The Good Vision. He kept this one to himself. He would be sitting outside; the wind would be blowing through his hair and the sun would be warm on his face. He wasn’t alone, but it wasn’t the oppressive company of his nannies, they were his friends. But whenever he turned to see their faces, it all went black. He had been having that vision for 8 years but had not yet come true.

His mother looked at him with a hard stare. His next words would decide his fate. “Yes, thank you mother and I hope to take my education further, I don’t want to enter business with just my O.W.Ls, nowadays employers are looking more at N.E.W.Ts, and I don’t want to be left behind because I was too cocky.” She leant back slightly, he had passed the test, but her face was still grimaced with a slight frown, bad news was coming.

“Of course, I agree, but I‘ve discussed with the family and we believe that instead of further private tutoring you will attend Hogwarts with your brother.”

Sirius’ lunch took a detour back up his throat. If his mother noticed his coughing and spluttering she didn’t show it.

“It wasn’t my choice I had already picked out an excellent set of tutors for you, but your grandmother is worried that we as the Noble and Most Ancient house of Black aren’t putting our ‘best’ out there. Your brother, he is smart, but not in the way you are, and his friends, though those of the family are not exactly ideal. Don’t think of this as going to school but instead as being a representative of our House, it will be a work experience of sorts, of course I have contacted your teachers, so they know that you are to be pushed to the absolute limit, do you understand? Again, I expect All Os, no exceptions. And you are to write to me regarding your… gift every day. You will leave for Hogwarts with your brother in September. Dismissed” her words were not how she usually spoke them, the dialogue was clumpy and unprepared, it seemed as though she was in more shock than he was.

Sirius left the room, a nauseous feeling welling in the pit of his stomach. He knew of Hogwarts of course, but he’d never thought he would be going there. His brother spoke rather fondly of the place, though Sirius had met his friends, great brutes with more muscle than brains. He was especially nervous about the housing arrangement, many in his family had gone to Hogwarts and all had been placed in Slytherin, would he be put there too? He knew you could request to be put in a specific house, but those were rare circumstances and often did not go well for the student who went against their nature.  
And then there was the case of other students. Sirius didn’t have friends. It was something that had sat in the back of his mind ever since Regulas had first come home asking that he spent the summer at his new friends’ cabin. Of course, Sirius had gotten out the house, during the regular trips to London, when his parents were out at meeting that would take hours if not days, he could slip past the nannies and escape onto the streets. He’d been doing it since he was 13 and had picked up a fake id from a dodgy man in an alley, muggles didn’t really care though. Concerts were the best, especially bands he hadn’t heard of before, in underground bars with shitty beer. You could get right up close to them and feel the thumping of the music through the floor. He found comfort in the people around him, they took him in for one-night stand style friendships, everyone had a fake name, his preferred alias was Gabriel, different but still had the same air as Sirius. They didn’t know about the evil crimes he had committed, or how when he died he would never see the gates of heaven, they thought he was one of them. The drugs had started when he was 15, first weed then speed and coke. First at parties and then in his room when things got too much. But it was never an addiction, just something to stop he walls creeping in at night, to quiet the ghosts outside his window. The closest he got to long term friendships were the people in his vision, faceless bodies standing behind him. It was a foreign concept to Sirius, he had his cousins, but they were all older than him and hostile at best. Andromeda had run away with a muggleborn and was not allowed to come back to the family. He sometimes wondered about doing the same, but dismissed it as a childish fantasy, Andromeda had connections and could blend in anywhere, Sirius could barely blend in in his own family. 

Upon reaching his room he found an open trunk and a letter sealed with the Hogwarts stamp, he had seen his brother receive similar ones, a list of books and equipment needed for the year. He looked at it for a moment, closed the door so creature couldn’t sneak up on him and broke down crying.

\------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The two weeks leading up to September Sirius spent reading ahead for his lessons and worrying. At Hogwarts there were four boys to a dorm. This meant showering, changing and sleeping with them, which would be alright, but he was entering sixth year, so everyone would have already paired off into their own friendship groups. And if by a miracle they did let him in, he was bound to let it slip and freak them out. His mother called it a gift but despite what the much-loved muggle detective book series claimed, people didn’t like it when you deduced their life for them. They are always willing to hear secrets about their siblings and parents and friends, but to have their own life spread out in front of them, no matter how innocent and pure, they don’t want to know. He could usually contain it and had gotten good at pretending to act surprised when things he predicted happened or affairs that had been hidden for years were uncovered. But the greatest burden was never what they did, but what he didn’t do, it sat on his shoulders like a great black dog with white eyes and sharp yellow teeth. The only treatment was to cut himself off from other people, but the black dog would always be present if not in the form of secrets, in the form of loneliness and isolation. Sitting at the foot of his bed with matted fur and a great slobbery tongue, his personal grim with which he went everywhere.  
Hogwarts would be no different, and at such an age when secrets and rumours were held above all, he had little to no chance of making friends, at least not ones that understood him.

Platform 9 ¾ was bustling with life. Regulas led the way; he had refused to talk to Sirius on the way there, seemingly annoyed at being given the job of ‘babysitting his older brother on his first day of school’ as he had so eloquently put it. On the train Regulas found a carriage in which sat two other boys, whom he recognised as Nott and Mulciber from family dinners. They greeted Sirius with a sneer, both very aware of his skills which his mother boasted about so frequently. She enjoyed being superior to her pureblood friends particularly the Nott’s, who had recently suffered a bout of squibs due to inbreeding. Sirius often wandered when that would happen to the Blacks, it would certainly wipe his mother’s sneer off her face.

“Don’t just follow me around like a lost puppy go and make your own friends. Why don’t you run along with the other ickle first years? I’m sure they’d be delighted to find out about your ‘superpower’ of being a nosy little git”

Regulas slammed the door shut. Sirius stood stupidly for a second before making his way down the train. There were few compartments with any spaces left; there were obvious first years all huddled around something that glowed slightly, there were older third years discussing the new subjects they were taking, there were some seventh years reading silently, the end of year exams already taking their toll. Finally, he found an empty one near the back, he sat next to the window and got out his notebook, the journey would take little over 3 hrs and it didn’t seem like anyone else was going to be joining him. It wasn’t the best start, but he hadn’t hoped for much more. If only he could be home, he had spent the summer working on a spell that would tell him when people were near. He had so far managed to track Kreature round the house and had successfully detected his mothers’ whereabouts on 6 different occasions, not just in her human form, but it also worked when she was an animagi. But it needed tweaking, a charm just wasn’t the right medium it needed to be put on something more solid like a map or a crystal ball to be useful. There was also a concert down at his favourite club in London that coincided with the ministry gala his mother always went to that he would now miss. Slowly the Hogwarts ordeal was appearing worse and worse. Next, he’d be expected to go to class and study, with other people no less. That was a lie, he enjoyed classes, when he was good at them, which was most of the time, except history of magic. (who cared.)

The whistle blew, and the train jolted forward knocking him out of thought as it slowly built to a gentle rhythm. Then there were voices just down the corridor.

“Jesus Christ Wormy, don’t you ever do that again.” The voice sounded harsh but there was a hint of glee that suggested he wasn’t as angry as he was letting on.

“What was I supposed to do just walk away without giving her a way to contact me; a gentleman could never be so rude.”

“When we’re about to miss the train, being a gentleman should not be your priority.” A third voice spoke up, more tired than the first two but also said with a tone that suggested the anger was just for show.

The three boys headed down the corridor towards Sirius’ compartment. He then remembered he had forgotten to read that muggle book of conversation starters to make friends. 

“Let’s just hope some first years haven’t nicked our compartment or we’ll all end up watching the bloody Alice and Frank love fest again.”

“You’re just jealous cuz we all know lily’s never gonna snog you like that.”

“Honestly Wormtail, if she uses that much tongue even I would pass.”

The three laughed loudly getting closer and closer to Sirius who was calculating the risk of keeping his precious notebook of ideas out or hiding it from the three figures that were inevitably going to ask questions and be an all-around nuisance. The door swung open and a head popped through making direct eye contact with Sirius. He was of south Asian origin and had hair sticking out in a way that looked like he’d been electrocuted. Behind his glasses he had deep brown eyes and was sporting a mischievous grin.

“Hello there, sorry to bother you an’ all that but mind if me and the lads sit down here, everywhere else is full.” He pulled an exaggerated frown as if telling a sob story then on Sirius’ polite nod jumped onto the opposite window seat. The other two also walked in, the first was even shorter than Sirius which rarely happened. He had a strong stoic build that reminded him of a bulldog and short sandy hair and would have been intimidating if it weren’t for his friendly smile and bright eyes. Then the tall one came in, he had strong shoulders and curly blond hair, but what was most striking was the large scar that ran down his face, from the edge of the left eyebrow to the right side of his jawbone. Sirius tried to ignore it but the potent smell of dark magic lingered, for a second, he felt as though he were home.

“Sorry who are you I don’t think I’ve seen you around before? What house are you in?” the electric boy was swinging his legs back and forth gazing out the window, not really looking for an answer.

“Sirius Black, I’m not in a house this is my first year at Hogwarts.” Electric boy pulled a face as did bulldog next to him. 

“How old are you? You can’t be 11 you’ve got a deeper voice than me.”

The tall one cut in.

“Don’t be stupid Guys he’s Regulas older brother, the one that was home-schooled.”

“How the hell do you know that? D’ya hear it from one of your study buddies?” Bulldog and electric were giggling at this last comment, the Tall one just rolled his eyes

“No, don’t you guys remember? Last year when you found out you were captain you got us all to do research into the rival quidditch teams because apparently to win you have to ‘know your enemy’. But I still can’t see how knowing what they eat for breakfast is going to help with catching the snitch.”

“You don’t understand Remus, you don’t play quidditch. You don’t feel the wind in your bones and the quaffle in your heart.”

“Look mate, I know Remus and I aren’t on the quidditch team, but I do make a good keeper on family holidays and you are talking a load of tosh.”

At this comment James launched himself at bulldog and they began to play fight on the squished seat, James clearly had the upper hand due to height, but bulldog wasn’t giving it easy.  
Remus turned to Sirius; up close he could now see the spatter of freckles across his nose and his hazel eyes. Even with the scar he was very attractive, in fact it did nothing but accentuate his delicate features, giving him a kind of character that couldn’t be achieved otherwise.

“Sorry we haven’t properly introduced ourselves, I’m Remus Lupin that is James Potter and Peter Pettigrew and yes, they are always like this.” There was an awkward pause interrupted by a yelp from Peter as James stood on his toe.

“You have a lovely name; it suits you rather wellbeing the brightest in the sky. Though I’ll come clean I didn’t really remember you from James’ creepy research last year, but I saw you on the platform with Regulas and the house elf that carries his stuff. That thing’s a right moody git I swear it bit me in third year when I bumped into Regulas by accident.” Sirius laughed and the tension in the cabin eased away.

“Yeah, his names Kreacher and he’s just as bad in the house, always following me around like he’s going to catch me doing something I shouldn’t. He’s mothers nasty little spy.” At this point James had admitted defeat after a nasty Chinese burn, he and Peter were panting slightly, but both were in high spirits and seemed eager to join the conversation.

“Why were you home-schooled and not Regulas, you the favourite child or something, is that why little Reggie is always so bitter about everything?” Peter and James looked on intently at the newcomer which had invaded their space, eager to learn more.

“I showed a talent for magic when I was very young, mother just wanted to make sure I received the best education.” James snorted.

“So why has ‘mother’ decided to ship you off to Hogwarts with us scum now? Have you fallen out of favour with them, did you not want to get the dark mark so she’s sending you here to practice torturing muggleborns.” Sirius stiffened, Potter, he knew where he had heard that name before. His mother called them blood traitors, but he had met Mr and Mrs Potter at a ministry Gala and they had appeared very pleasant people, but it seems that Mr and Mrs Potter were not too impressed by his mother and had been liberal in relaying it to their son.

“I myself am not interested in politics; I hope to do research into muggle biotechnology and their uses in the wizarding world. They’ve got some fascinating ideas but not quite the technology to achieve them, with a bit of tweaking, the advancements we could make in potions, transfiguration, magical creatures and defence against the dark arts could be phenomenal.” He’d begun to go off on a tangent and bit his lip, it wasn’t often he was so freely allowed to talk about what he really wanted to do after school.

“Are you sure ‘mother’ would let you do that. Mum and Dad met her at some ministry party and apparently she has a lot of ideas about what future she wants for her kids.” James’ face had lost all mirth and he had put on a look that he probably though menacing, but Sirius had been raised by Lady Walburga.  
The compartment dropped by 10 degrees and Sirius fixed James with a proper hard stare. Controlling his gift was like trying to direct a hurricane, but if he timed it right he could fly with the current. 

“I told you I wasn’t interested in my family’s politics so drop it.” James paled but held his ground.  
Then the visions came; red hair, black hair, nasty insults followed by nastier hexes, the east wing corridor far from the banquet, be a shame if they got caught, no one wanted to serve detention on the first night.

The two sat back from each other, and were silent for the rest of the journey, a quiet tension boiling between them.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For future use if i'm going to change POV ill use (S) and (R) and possibly other initials as I go further

The train eventually pulled into the station, Sirius hadn’t said another word, he didn’t even bother to listen into the quiet conversation Remus and peter had about how lovely the south of France was. They all got off, making their separate ways James and the others making their way to the front of the queue to the carriages, Sirius just close enough behind.

They quickly arrived at the castle, he had only seen it once before, when his mother couldn’t decide whether to have him home-schooled or not, nearly 11 years ago. They had sat in a stuffy office with the head of Slytherin house, a large friendly man who offered Sirius pieces of crystallized pineapple. His mother had taken an instant disliking, it was even worse when the other heads of houses joined to discuss the quality of teaching at Hogwarts. The head of Ravenclaw, a short but chirpy man who spoke enthusiastically about charms and statistics on the number of students in his classes that had gone onto high paying jobs including curse breaking and aurors, the former of which had interested Sirius greatly. The Hufflepuff head of house was a lovely woman, she was stout and had a friendly round face and blond curls. The youngest of all the heads, she was the only one who hadn’t had the pleasure of teaching Walburga Black, but instead had been in her classes, though she rarely spoke, the twitch of her lips and nervous nature suggested she had not forgotten his mother, and most likely did not want to be responsible for her son. But his favourite was the Gryffindor head of house. She was tall and bony and Scottish. She had a hooked nose and a no-nonsense attitude, when she spoke everyone gave her respect even Walburga. In every way she just like his mother, but there was something else he couldn’t quite pinpoint, maybe it was that the glint in her eye wasn’t cold and with malice, but warm, mischievous and knowing. Maybe it was the strong Scottish accent that although powerful had a soft lilt to it that was almost friendly. But maybe it was the smile she gave Sirius when he left, small, he could have imagined it, but he knew it was there.

 

The large gateway was the same as he remembered it. He stood for a second to admire the castle, it was magnificent. He always thought his cousins were over reacting when they talked about its beauty, how could a shabby old castle be beautiful, but it was. The turrets reached towards the sky disappearing into the night. The lit windows looked like fireflies buzzing in the dark. It had an atmosphere of magic, but not dark and sacred like at his family home, this was warm and exciting, it wanted to be used.

 

Out of the corner of his eye he saw the three boys from the train disappear around the corner away from the main crowd moving towards the hall, after them ran a girl with bright ginger hair and a boy with limp black hair. He recognised them both from his vision, this was his chance, the Slytherin Head of house he recognised was standing by the door keeping an eye on the students going in, he wasn’t usually a snitch, but this was new territory, until he had a feel for the place he was going to have to play dirty. No one insulted him, not least of all a Potter.

 

“Sir, I don’t mean to bother you but there are some students duelling in the east wing corridor.”

 

“dearie me on the first night right I’ll go see to that thank you my boy.” the man waddled off. Sirius considered following just to watch them get caught when a shadow appeared.

 

“Sirius Black you are to come with me to the headmaster’s office immediately.” The accent was one he recognised, stern and strong. He turned around and let himself be led by McGonagall to the Dumbledore’s office.

 

He had met Dumbledore very briefly all those years ago. His mother was not impressed by him and had both privately and publicly lobbied to have him removed from the position. Whether or not he held the grudge against Sirius he didn’t let on. Instead in a very gentle voice, asked if he would sit on the stool by which McGonagall stood with the hat. He hesitantly sat, knowing this would determine how the next two years went for him, and possibly where he would end up afterwards. He kept his head calm. He knew he would likely be in Slytherin or Ravenclaw, hopefully Ravenclaw, anything to get away from his family and their oppressive ideals. Despite the brave face he put on in front of them, he waited for the day he would be free. He had looked into apprenticeships in the furthest corners of the earth in Australia, Russia, and America, where he could do active work in wizard/muggle technology. The thought of the three boys he met on the train sat at the back of his head, he had only met them briefly but like reading a sign through heavy rain, he was beginning to see things, little titbits of character and memories seeping through the blur, reading people was just divination backwards. People who over complicated it were elitist snobs. James was easiest to read, he was a leader, only child, quidditch captain. Then peter, had known James for a long time, longer than Hogwarts, funny, knew how to push people’s buttons in just the right way. Then there was Remus, shy Remus, secretive, very secretive. His past full of blurred lines and warped words, his future almost blank, undecided, that happed sometimes when someone was faced with an important milestone, when it passed it would be easier to make out.

 

_Well what do we have here?_

 

Lost in his own thought he had not noticed the hat being placed on his head.

 

_Smart, fierce ambition, just like you mother who I sorted over two decades ago. Although I must admit I regret where I put her, they boxed her passion into something warped, she wasn’t the same after going in Slytherin, I wonder if the same would happen to you._

He gulped, he hated being compared to his mother by looks, but knowing they were just as alike on the inside made him squirm with discomfort. He could almost read out word for word what the sorting hat would say next.

 

_Maybe we can try this again, where could I put you to amplify your passion, where will you flourish most, with talents like yours? I think we have a Gryffindor._

 

Sirius’ heart skipped a beat, this wasn’t what he expected. McGonagall’s face stayed stern, but Sirius could have sworn she was almost as shocked as he was. His mother would have accepted Ravenclaw, but Gryffindor, she had always harboured something against them. He knew house rivalries were serious at Hogwarts, but she hated them with a personal passion. His brother would be disappointed he was not joining him, as would his cousins who often talked about the grandeur of the common room and the view of the depths of the lake. But his mother, she would take it as a personal offence that her child was in a rival house. Feeling shaken, he let himself be guided by McGonagall to the great hall where older students were still coming in from the carriages and getting seated themselves, the first years taking the longer route by lake.

 

He took a seat at the fairly empty Gryffindor table near the middle feeling sick at the thought of eating anything knowing that already on the first day he was disappointing his mother. She had sent him to do the family proud, not diverge from the norm and make a statement, but maybe this was the right path, the sorting hat had said that if he was in Slytherin bad things would happen, but he hadn’t even considered the option of Ravenclaw. He watched as a group of students with blue ties walked in. they seemed happy and friendly, couldn’t he have been with them.

Shortly after the three boys from the train walked in, he had completely forgotten about the nasty trick he had pulled on them. Peter and James clearly had an idea about where they wanted to sit, but Remus had spotted Sirius, and begun to drag them over, he could just about decipher James’ whining above the low mumble of the crowd.

 

“For god’s sake Remus I don’t see why Pete and I have to sit with your little crush as well, he’s probably in Slytherin and is just sitting at the wrong table. It’s not like we’re gonna all be besties just coz you think he’s got a nice face. He’s still a Black. And from what I can tell he’s a creepy arsehole just like the rest of them. ”

 

“Shut up James I said he was attractive, I didn’t say we are all 12 again and I want to marry him. And may I remind you of who started it hmm? Anyway, it must be hard coming to a school so late when everyone’s already got friends we might as well be nice to him. You’re just angry cuz Slughorn caught you stunning Snape’s arse to oblivion.”

 

Sirius kept a straight face pretending not to hear the hushed whispers coming towards him.

 

“Hey, have you been sorted yet or are you going up after dinner?”

 

Remus’ friendly face had appeared opposite him taking a seat and gesturing for the other two reluctant boys to do the same.

 

“I had my sorting before dinner, I’m in Gryffindor.” No matter how hard he tried he couldn’t stop his voice from faltering as he said it, he could only think of what his mother would say, years of training in etiquette; bottling his emotions should be second nature by now. Oh God she would be finding out what house he was in soon, he couldn’t bear the tension.

The others seemed to have picked up on his distress.

 

“Oh, what’s your parents going to say.” Peter; the least tactile and the most blunt. But sometimes situations didn’t need tiptoeing around, sometimes pulling off the plaster was best.

 

“She’ll be furious, but I can still do well here, it will just take more effort to prove it.” His voice had started to wobble at the end but thankfully no one had the time to comment as Dumbledore had taken his place at the ornate eagle podium. They all turned to listen, though Sirius could feel the looks from other houses, the Gryffindor students wandering who the newcomer was, but worst of all, a pair of pale blue eyes burning a hole in his skull from the other end of the hall.

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(R)

Remus lay awake in bed mulling over the events of the day, the full moon had been just under a week ago and most of the effects had worn off, but his shoulder still ached, it was always the last to heal probably due to the fact that it was where he was bitten. He didn’t worry about it, a dull ache was nothing compared to the monthly trauma he faced, but living without chronic discomfort, well one could dream.

 

Then there was Sirius, now sleeping in the bed next to him. The boy who used to sleep there, a stuck-up pureblood who preferred the company of his Ravenclaw friends, had transferred to Durmstrang for his N.E.W.Ts and hadn’t shut up about it all fifth year. In honesty they had been happy upon finding out they would only have three to a dorm now, more shower time, more fun, they wouldn’t feel the need to involve moody Michael in everything, or otherwise go out of their way to hide it. But it wasn’t just the three of them now; Michael had been replaced with Sirius, Pureblood yes, would fit well in Ravenclaw yes, but stuck up? He couldn’t really tell.

Upon first seeing him on the train, Remus had frozen; he looked like something out of a painting. Everything about him was well placed as if put there by design, high cheek bones and perfect lips, he was far shorter than him reaching only 5 7” next to Remus’ 6 5”. He had the longest hair he had ever seen on a boy, Black as the night, soft curls brushing gently just above his shoulders. But his eyes, gosh, they were colour of a sky before a storm. They were deep and intelligent and seemed to look straight through him, recognising, understanding but not judging, more a neutral analysing; the data to be processed later. Yes, he looked like Regulas, but only enough to see brotherly resemblance, because while Regulas looked like an aristocrat, Sirius looked like a lost deity from Greek mythology, beautiful and mysterious. James and Peter, the ever-enthusiastic wingmen, forcing Remus to sit next to him when they know he likes facing the other way on the train, so he doesn’t feel sick facing backwards. Then there was the argument, well you couldn’t really call it an argument, but James had definitely met his match, while James was loud and brash and had the mental strength to withstand most battle of wits, Sirius was sharp and quick, he had danger in his eyes and he knew things. After that James had already decided he was no better than the average Slytherin and had shown outward distaste upon finding out the new rooming arrangement. Peter had taken to having an air of caution, but a polite air of caution. Remus didn’t want to judge too much, he knew what it was like more than anyone to have people assume the worst before they got to know you, but he could help but feel uneasy. Slughorn catching them hexing Snape was not a coincidence. Slughorn wouldn’t tell them who told him they would be there, but teachers never checked the corridors before the feast because everyone was so bloody hungry. Remus didn’t like people who knew more than they let on, he was a professional secret keeper, and now Sirius was here, a professional secret stealer. Was he nosy or did he have other, more dangerous means. That was going to be a problem.  But for now, he seemed alright. He hadn’t spoken to any of them before hand, upon being given his room he had unpacked his things and went to bed.  Remus rolled over and closed his eyes. Only two more years left, no point worrying about one boy who had an odd look in his eyes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the projecting is really gonna start on chapter three so i hope y'all are ready  
> also I'm working on a better summary bc posting this fic was a spur of the moment idea and so i hadn't really planned anything for it so that will be improved


	3. Chapter 3

(R)

The first class of the year was transfiguration, it was one of the two classes that all three of the boys were in, but despite the good company, waking up at seven the first day back proved to be harder than anticipated, the heavy feast of the night before weighing down on their stomachs. Slowly the three of them began to rise as they decided breakfast was more important than the extra five minutes. All three were at the door and dressed within reason for breakfast by 8:00. For James and peter this meant a white shirt and tie had been dug up from the bottom of their suitcases and for Remus it meant the full school uniform including a jumper and robe folded in his bag as extra layers. No-one wore the hat if they didn’t want their head down the toilet. Upon leaving Remus gave a cursory glance to Sirius’ bed. They had all but forgotten him in their zombie like state of getting ready, but it seemed he had been long gone, his bed was made, and his bag gone. Remus hoped he hadn’t worn the hat.

 

Breakfast was as to be expected, except for the strange absence of Lilly. But then that wasn’t too offbeat, she was likely already packing for class, and even if she was there, after the spat yesterday she wouldn’t want to go near them. It was kind of snapes fault for flashing his dumb prefect pin at james. Why did he get to be prefect? He was a dick, remu should have been prefect. He was, according to all his teachers, “a bloody pleasure to have in class”. That was paraphrased of course but the beat still the same.

Sirius wasn’t there though. Remus felt a twinge of guilt. He knew what it was like to be alone in this castle. When they had arrived, it seemed as though he was the only one to not already know someone. James and Peter were childhood friends and Michael had a wave of family and close friends in Gryffindor and other houses alike. Lilly had been his life saver. At breakfast on the second day she had sidled up to him, all red hair and freckles, and asked if she could sit with him. After a few awkward giggles the two suddenly hit it off. Despite her shy looks she had a personality as fiery as her hair. She could argue the ear of a goblin and was more stubborn than a dwarf. Her hexes were famous throughout Hogwarts and rumour has it she had even made a few jinxes of her own. Once he had one friend to back him up, befriending James and peter was easy, it turns out they weren’t the pureblood snobs they seemed to be, but the best people he could have been roomed with. James was a leader, there was no doubt about it, even in first year he had a strong voice of reason that even older kids would listen to and made it onto the quidditch pitch in only second year. When he set his mind to it, no one could stop him; he always had a way round everything. And Peter, although he tended to hang back and let James take the limelight for the pranks they got up to, anyone was a fool if they thought Peter had nothing to do with it. He had an eye for opportunity and no one knew more about the Hogwarts gossip. Despite being the shortest he was definitely the strongest and with the right vantage point could take down Angelina Johnson, the 6 ft 3 beater of the Gryffindor team. Just as 8:27 began showed on the clock and the room emptied as people went to the first class of the year, the three boys slowly finished their plates, trying to remember exactly how long it took them to get to transfiguration, and how much time would they get away with before they were given a detention. Peter was the first to crack.

“I barely scraped that O last year I can’t afford to have her think I’m not worth the effort.”

 

“Don’t worry Pete I don’t think anyone got 100% in that exam, it was so bleeding hard. Anyway, an O’s an O, no take backs, and she only wanted an E to get in the class. You’re already doing better than you think you are.” James, ever the voice of reason, began to get up too as did Remus and as the clock hit 8:29 they all began to jog to class praying the stairs wouldn’t trap them again.

 

They stumbled into the class at 8:32 and grabbed the three seats at the back. The class was already in full swing and hopefully McGonagall would be kind to them, but no such luck.

“Excuse me but since this is N.E.W.Ts I now expect my students to be in my classroom and ready by 8:30 on the dot, not leaving breakfast at 8:30, but you would have already known that if you arrived on time for the introduction.” A snigger went through the classroom.

“Due to your tardiness you three can make it up by adding an extra 2 inches onto your homework assignments for the rest of the year, and maybe next time you won’t forget to make time for travel.” The three of them groaned. 2 inches didn’t seem like much until it was 3 am and despite having checked out every book in the library, there just wasn’t much to say about beetles and buttons. She began to walk towards the board as though she was to start lecturing again then stopped.

“Actually, in order to aid the productivity of the rest of the classroom I think I’ll separate the three of you” she surveyed the classroom for the few empty spaces.

“Lupin go and sit next to Collins, Pettigrew go to the other side next to Fletcher, and Potter” She paused, surveying the desks in front of her. Each desk held two people, the person you were next to was not only someone you shared a space with, but also your partner for group projects.

“You can take your seat at the front next to Black.” She turned away and continued her overview of the syllabus.

Ian Collins was a nice Ravenclaw boy, in third year Remus took him to Hogsmeade and they had remained ‘just friends’ ever since. He turned over to Peter, who was already making flying paper aeroplanes with Amanda Fletcher, a Hufflepuff with a knack for distraction, so much for a good impression. He then glanced over at James, and well of course Sirius. Sirius looked uncomfortable and kept glancing at Potters bare parchment and that of those around him. He would have thought worry wouldn’t suit his sharp face, but it just made him look softer, more vulnerable. Besides his concern was understandable, this would be his first lesson in a proper classroom setting with other people, but like all first years he would have to learn the hard way what’s worth writing down and what’s a waste of ink. Potter was oblivious to his partner’s distress leaning back on his chairs legs trying to catch Amanda and Pete’s charmed, pink aeroplane, before it was snatched out of mid-air by a long bony hand and all three of them got detention.

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(S)

Sirius had woken up at 5:00 am. It wasn’t unusual; the early mornings were the best part of the day, the peace and quiet, the rise of the sun, the slow warming of the earth. It was like sitting out of time for a bit. Before the rest of the world started moving and suddenly he had responsibilities and places to be. Among other poetic nonsense it was also good to gauge how drunk you still were, and whether you could get away with it at breakfast.

He wrote a note to his mother about the most recent vision, it wasn’t much, a lot of fog in a room, a flash of green light. No sound or setting or a face to go on. She still hadn’t written to him regarding his house, it was making him anxious, that meant she was planning her words very carefully. Which meant taking the time to put as much venom and malice into them as possible. He couldn’t wait. He checked the time, it was quarter past. Breakfast was served at 6 which gave him an hour to explore the castle and get a feel for the place. He got dressed, it seemed that most students opted for the shirt tie and jumper; a few took the robe as a precaution and he had yet to see someone with the hat. He packed his bags and compared his timetable with those of the sleeping boys all spread out on the desk. He shared transfiguration with all three of them, charms with James and peter, potions with just James and divination with Remus; however, he had astronomy all to himself. He looked back at them, he hoped they could be friends, he just didn’t know how to initiate it, and they weren’t relatives, so they didn’t automatically have much to bond over. James definitely seemed to dislike him, Peter was wary but friendly and Remus seemed… closed off. Nice, but closed off. He was going to room with them for two years something had to give, you didn’t live with someone and just hate them. Actually, you could, and he did. But that was different. Or was it, Sirius as usual was an intrusion onto someone else’s life, and unexpected guest whom they feel the need to accommodate. At least Walburga made it very clear that he wasn’t wanted and was only kept around for his predictions. It was good to know where you stood.

 

He left the room making sure the door didn’t bang, he had 40 minutes to explore before breakfast was served and over 3 hours before his first class, so he had time to kill.

The castle was huge and by 7:30 had still only seen a third of it, not including the great lake that stretched into the mountains and the edge of the forbidden forest that loomed on the outskirts of the grounds. The breakfast hall was mostly empty save for a few keen first years and teachers. He sat alone on the Gryffindor table until two figures sat down in front of him. He looked up, it was the two students who he had seen duelling James and the others. Now he could see them up close, one a girl with long red hair, she had vibrant green eyes and her face was almost completely covered in freckles. The boy he now recognised as Snape, a friend of Regulas’ he had seen at the house a few times. He had a hooked nose and a greasy face to go with his hair. He definitely didn’t seem to want to talk to him, but the girl did.

 

“hi, your new around, here are you? Regulas’ brother, right? I’m Lilly and I think you know Sev from family or something.” He and Lilly shook hands, though thankfully Severus seemed less keen on touching him than he was. Lilly was desperate to keep the conversation up.

 

“how are you finding Hogwarts so far? It must be so different from being home schooled, having to move classes and being with other people, what are you taking we can compare timetables.”

 

“I’m taking transfiguration, charms, astronomy, potions and divination.”

 

“that’s great I’m in transfiguration with you we can go together, we have professor McGonagall and she’s dead strict but a great teacher and the best head of year.” At this Snape rolled his eyes so far up his head it looked painful.

 

“come on lils he just wants to finish his breakfast and I want to go before the three goons of Gryffindor try and attack us again”

 

“Sev you started that your just mad you’ve got detention” out the corner of his eye Sirius spotted Regulas walk into the hall tailed closely by Nott and Mulciber.

 

“Actually, I’m done anyway maybe you could show me where some of our classes are”

 

They set off out the great hall just as James peter and Remus slouch in as slowly as possible, not even noticing him walk past. Transfiguration was just down a few flights of stairs which he had just still hadn’t got the hang of though Lilly and Snape seemed to be masters. Lilly was discussing her extra curricula activities, she was prefect and was also going to try out for the “friendlies” quidditch team which was a mixture of all houses and was less competitive and demanding than the house team. She was also going to start campaigning for head girl for next year as well as start-up study groups for her various subjects which he was surprised to learn she did with Remus. She also ran a “muggle mixer club” where muggleborns and non muggleborns could trade and teach each other about muggle and wizard technology, it was mostly for first years who were still struggling to understand the wizard technology, but it was open to anyone who wanted to learn more about either side. Snape stayed quiet and eyed him carefully, he almost definitely knew about his predictions from Regulas and probably had connected the dots that he was the one who told Slughorn. He was unhygienic not stupid, though the two often went hand in hand. Then Lilly of course asked how it was rooming with James Peter and Remus. Snape again rolled his eyes at new heights. The red veins of his eyes seeing a glimpse of the outside world. He told her the truth – sort of. It had been one night, no judgments made yet.

 

They got to the class at 8:20 with ten minutes to spare. Lilly and Snape took the desk near the front and he sat on the one next to them. There was a cat sitting on the desk watching as students started to file in. he assumed it must be one of the cats used in demonstrations. There were only around 14 people in the class due to its high entry levels and its reputation for being very demanding.

At 8:29 the cat on the desk leaped off and turned into professor McGonagall. Sirius’ heart skipped a beat, but the others appeared to have been expecting this and some even applauded her. He felt stupid for being so shocked of course she was an Animagus it was one of the most well-respected areas of transfiguration.

But it was always a skill he was wary of. His mother had always used it against him. She never told him she was one, but one day when he was 9 and starting to feel rebellious he crept into her office without permission. He thought it was empty, he sat in the chair and twirled around, he flicked through her many private journals and books not reading them, just living off the sense of doing something he shouldn’t have been doing. Suddenly a searing pain shot through his hand and he looked down to see a large black widow spider sat on his wrist. It had long spindly legs that clung to his skin and a fat and grotesque abdomen with a bright red mark, it looked like something from deep in hell. Its fangs were still sunk into his skin were little beads of blood started to pool out. He shook it off and ran out in fear screaming for help. As he lay in the corridor wandering why she would keep such a horrid thing loose in her room, his mother walked out. She grabbed his wrist and told him not to touch things that weren’t his, or she wouldn’t give him the antidote next time. That wasn’t the last time she had used her venom on him, although she said she would never let him die there had been times when he was in agony for hours before she agreed that he had learnt his lesson and healed him. If animagi were a representation of a person’s soul that was proof enough that his mother was not a woman to be trusted or liked. But a cat, well cats were loyal, intelligent. They ate spiders. It was a nasty thought, but it crossed his mind anyway. McGonagall had now begun on the rules of the class; all homework was to be handed in on time with extensions for extraneous circumstances, punishments for tardiness varied from detention to exclusion from the lesson to exclusion from the class depending on severity and frequency. Just as she finished the door creaked open and James Pete and Remus tried to creep in unnoticed and take the back three seats.

“Excuse me but since this is N.E.W.Ts I now expect my students to be in my classroom and ready by 8:30 on the dot, not leaving breakfast at 8:30, but you would have already known that if you arrived on time for the introduction.” They were all seated variously throughout the room, and to his dismay James was put next to him. Tensions it seemed were still running high from the day before and he wasn’t entirely sure how to proceed. James didn’t seem to care much for an introduction to the syllabus and chose to spend the lesson messing around. Sirius glanced around, sometimes people would write, and others wouldn’t, it all seemed to be up to you what you thought was necessary. None of it was like at home. The class was too big, and it was too loud when everyone spoke, for the first time he felt shy to ask a question when he didn’t understand something. This was why they invented alcohol. No one could sit comfortably in that environment for an hour, let alone actually learn. As the lesson ended he packed up his things and was unfortunately one of the last to leave, James, peter both left without so much as looking at him, Remus shot him sympathetic glance. He didn’t know what was worse being pitied by a half blood or ignored by a potter.

He shook his head, those were the sort of thoughts put there by his mother, and he wasn’t like her, he had to prove it. He turned a corner and wish he had taken the shorter route back to the common room. Regulas was standing outside a transfiguration classroom, likely waiting for the next lesson to start. He was reading a book, a classic thriller he recognised from his mother’s personal library, she would lend them out if you promised to look after them with dire consequences if you so much as creased the pages. He looked back, James peter and Remus were all still lingering outside the classroom blocking the corridor, James seemed to be trying to chat up Lilly. Lilly in turn was winding him up. If he went back they would ask what he was doing, or even worse think he was lost like some stupid first year. Regulas was clearly absorbed in the book. He could sneak past, there were a few students walking down it he didn’t bother to look up at. Sirius slowly started making his way down, close to the opposite wall head down, he was going to make it, don’t blow it now-

 

“didn’t mother tell you it’s rude to avoid people, especially your own brother.”

 

“fuck off you slimy git.”

 

“I couldn’t if I wanted to, I was given strict instructions to keep a close eye on you.”

 

“well don’t bother what could I do exactly that’s so awful.”

 

“knowing you? A lot of things actually. What I’m trying to say is if you fuck up, it’s not just you in the shit this time okay? I know you love riling mum up and sneaking out and doing everything possible to have a record number of near death experiences before you turn 18 but don’t drag me down with you.”

 

They stood in silence for a second. Such an explosion was not usually to be expected of him. He was always so calm it used to make Sirius so mad. But that was when they were kids, barely 11, he didn’t know what Regulas’ temper was like anymore. They used to get along. But the recent years had been hard on them both. Sirius’ desire to be rid of the family clashed with regulas’ desire to be head of it. They slowly became more distant. When they were kids they made breakfast together. Sirius couldn’t remember the last time he had eaten a meal with him. They weren’t brothers anymore. They were different souls occupying similar bodies. Nothing more.

Regulas picked up his bag and went into the classroom as other students started rounding the corner, filing the corridor.

Sirius’ eyes began to water. He knew she was always suspicious of what he did, any breakages or mishaps where always pinned on him. And kreature was always set to tail him like a hound dog. The tighter her grip the more he struggled, but now regulas was bought into it, that was low but not too low for her apparently.

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(R)

The next few days crept up on them fast, the homework load was double what it had been last year, and the content was more complex than anyone had anticipated. James had laughed when Sirius mentioned he was taking 5 N.E.W.Ts instead of the usual 4, but somehow of everyone, he seemed to be the only one able to keep up. Any personal questions were answered with short concise answers that either sounded pre-planned and well-rehearsed or not open for further conversation.

“What was it like to be home-schooled?” ”Good, Boring”

“Do you have any friends back home?” Pause “Yes”

“Do you like Hogwarts?” “Yes”

“What’s your favourite subject?” Pause “Charms”

That was a lie, but only Remus knew that because Remus was the only one in his Divination class. You didn’t write five pages on tea leaves for your second favourite subject.

At first James had suspected time turner as an answer to his weird behaviour and disappearing acts to keep up with classes. So, despite Remus’ moral outcry James and Pete had Remus stand guard by the door while they ~~violated~~ methodically worked through his things. For James and Peter this meant emptying out the bags and hoping Sirius wouldn’t notice that they had magically rearranged themselves into a mess while he was gone. The effort proved fruitless and seemed like an even worse use of time when Peter pointed out he would probably still have the time turner on him since it was the middle of the day. If Sirius did notice the mess he never mentioned it.

 

In fact, things got even stranger. As James noted, he had decent muggle and wizard clothes, nothing too outstanding or strange. He could have fit in a muggle crowd as he would Diagon Alley. He also had many books, more so than Remus of both muggle and wizarding authors but he didn’t have anything personal. Most people had something to remind them of home, or to set them apart from the crowd; posters, photos, quidditch scarves, he knew Michael had a Remembrall, peter had a moving miniaturized version of a dragon from his uncle that would spit real fire, James of course had the invisibility cloak, lily always had new muggle gadgets to show her pureblood friends, but Sirius was average, as in he had nothing. No personal items, no scruffy jumper he only wore on weekends, no gimmicky gadget gifted to him one Christmas by an obscure relative, no personal notebooks or photos or lucky socks. He was plain and well, boring. He was also never around, Remus put that down to keeping up with school, staying in the library late, sneaking in just after curfew when everyone was already asleep. But there was something just not right, something he couldn’t put his finger on. Back on the train, he had truly believed that Sirius could be their friend, clinging on to that hope even after the ordeal with James and Snape, but no it was like the friendly boy on the train had disappeared, replaced by a cold empty shell of a human. When he was in the room he was quiet and day by day the bags under his eyes seemed to grow on him. Something was troubling him, but Remus didn’t know, nor care. Remus recognised these symptoms; it was a strategy he had used in first year. Sirius was hiding something, something he didn’t want people close to him to know. He put it down to family problems, anyone who wrote to their mother everyday clearly had attachment issues, and the Blacks weren’t famous for their kind and caring ways. Either way, in two weeks the first full moon of the year would come around and Sirius could not connect the dots no matter what. Slowly Remus found himself to dislike him more and more as the days went by.

 --------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

(S)

The last lesson of the week was divination. Divination was Sirius’ favourite subject, it was easy for him, he had a chance to stretch his gift, show other people what he could do. It was always fun to test your ability without committing atrocious crimes in the process. He admitted that he was a bit of a teacher’s pet, but he just couldn’t help himself, in honesty he enjoyed it. The visions were always sweet, who would win the next quidditch match, what would be served for dinner. Visions that made him feel warm, like his gift could be used for good.

Remus was also in his class, over the past week he had followed in James’ footsteps and become more distant, like the other two, they sat apart in all classes and didn’t make an effort to smile at each other in the hallways. He had known that making friends would be hard, but he didn’t know it would be so painful. The lesson eventually came to an end and the students filed out of the attic down the ladder, at the bottom, James and peter stood in quidditch garb. When Remus came through the hatch they ran up to him dragging him down and tying red cloak over his back. They were going to go play quidditch, they did that some evenings, so James could practice, and peter and Remus could muck about. He knew it happened. In his head it was the perfect bonding opportunity. As they left James would stop, and offhandedly say ”you know, were gonna mess around on the quidditch pitch, wanna come?” and Sirius, would mull it over for a second, as if there was something else he had to do that evening, and then he would say “yeah sure” and they would go down and James would have his firebolt and he peter and Remus would pick out brooms from the shed and they would mess around till it got dark and McGonagall dragged them inside and as they got ready for bed they would joke and laugh and it would be _so easy_ to talk to them. And after that night he would be named the unofficial official forth member of their group.

But James wasn’t going to invite him. Because he wasn’t one of them. Because he was a black. Because he had never had real friends before, and they were cool, and loud, and popular and good looking and he woke up in the middle of the night to wonder the dark halls because detention was better than sleeping with the ghosts of people you killed under your mattress.

 

He went to the nearest bathroom just to wash his hands of the tea leaves that had begun to stain his fingers. It was emptied quickly as younger years went to after lesson clubs. The water here took longer to heat up than at home and the soap smelt synthetic. The stain wouldn’t come off easily, he scrubbed it with his nails till his fingertips were raw and scratched, his mother would be angry. Be perfect, always. He stopped and looked at the mirror, the stress of the first week starting to show in the dirty reflection, his eyes had always been tired and his face thin, but no one noticed if the rest of him was perfect. But now his hair had stray wisps, and his bottom lip was chewed and flaking and beginning to wobble. He thought it would be easy.

Going away. Away from his mother and her overbearing and oppressive ideals. He thought making friends was easy, any 11-year-old could walk into a class and find his clique, but he was turning 17 in a week and had no one to share it with. He had muggle records and clothes from London highstreets, but he didn’t have someone to go to a concert with. Muggle concerts were fun. But he figured they would be better with friends. He’d been high before and so drunk he’d vomited in a gutter outside the muggle pub, strangers offered to call an ambulance, but no one held his hair back, no one linked their arm around his and let him lean on them as they trekked through the bright lights and discos back to Grimuald place. He hadn’t thought of it before but now, as he watched James and peter give each other piggy back rides and tackle Remus to the ground down the corridor, although he had never minded being alone, he was in fact, very lonely.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alcohol abuse tw and drug abuse tw

The next week was a blur to Sirius. Every morning he would wake up at 5 am, to explore the castle (and avoid the others), he would have breakfast early while writing to his mother about anything important he had seen. Sometimes if it was bad he would then throw his breakfast back up in the abandoned toilet of the second floor. Moaning myrtle thought it was funny, but she wasn’t the kind of ghost he was scared of. He spent most of his time in the library, sometimes by himself, sometimes Lilly and her friends would sit near him. Far enough that he could breathe, but close enough he could join them, Lilly was so tactile and understanding, it made no sense she was friends with Severus Snape, someone so slimy that even other slytherins bullied him. Life was boring, and he was anxious to avoid the other boys. He didn’t know why. Fear? That they would find out what he did and think of him as unworthy of being Gryffindor. Embarrassment? He was definitely the designated weird kid of the room. Stubbornness, self-loathing, maybe he didn’t even want to be friends with them they were all just stupid Gryffindor’s who had their brain in their left toe why would he want to be friends with _them_.

That was a lie they were all known for getting exceptionally good marks and performing elaborate and ingenious pranks and being cool and good looking and although James had saved his heart for Lilly and Lilly only, Peter was known for getting around the girls, some called him a player, others called him a heart breaker. Remus didn’t date much on account of there not being many out guys at Hogwarts which made sense, yeah it was the seventies, but it was still a big deal to most people.

He’d never had a girlfriend. He had been betrothed to a girl from Brazil once but then his father got into an argument with her father and the trade deal was off and in turn the wedding. She was supposedly very pretty, but he didn’t care much, there were more things to life than relationships. He’d had sex, a few times, it was boring at best and he ended up with a flipping STD at worst. There were more exciting things to do than sleep with strangers. The only reason he did it was to remember how warm other people’s bodies felt, to satisfy his stupid and weak need to be touched, in the simple and most platonic way. If he had a friend, who would tap his arm gently just once a day to say they were there, he would never want for anything again.

 

God, he was a stereotypical teenage angst-ridden mess. He would be the face that was laughed at when punk and rock and roll went out of fashion. A disgrace to his own demographic.

He had to get out, despite the draughty walls and impending winter the caste was getting hot and stuffy. He couldn’t walk down a single corridor without the golden trio gambling down it, giddy as ever despite the depressing slug they shared a room with. How dare those arseholes be happy and leave him out, all he had done was argue with them, get them into trouble and then actively ignore them while debating his self-worth. Dickheads.

His birthday was on Saturday, and he was going to have fun. Lots of fun. More fun than they had. Because he was going to be 17, older than them, and he was living proof that you don’t need friends to be happy and healthy and have fun. He wasn’t a snivelling loser trapped in his own body, he was independent and free and could navigate the muggle underground system without looking at the map.  He was a Black; cool, quick witted and funny. A stunning site to any who laid eyes on him he was a peak specimen for his age. He was smart and studious but could also let loose he wasn’t a mummy’s boy like Regulas or a simpering fool like his father. He was a glorious bastard with no family or friends by choice. They would rue the day they ever thought that he was uncool and pathetic, that he couldn’t make it. Just they see.

 =============================================================================================

Eventually Friday came, he finished at 1 pm that day, which was good because he had plans.

The moment charms ended he handed in his homework and left, it was vital that he got to the dorm and left again before the others. Once around the corner of the classrooms he sprinted down the corridors up to the Gryffindor common room practically yelling he password. He ran up the stairs and grabbed the bag he had packed three days prior and checked it one last time, Fake ID, Train tickets there and back, Muggle money and a spare change of clothes. He was turning 17 on Saturday, and he deserved to celebrate it his way.

He got dressed in normal but comfortable muggle clothing and walked down through the common room to commence the first phase of his plan: escape. As he opened the portrait James Peter and Remus came in, loudly complaining about how they had Defence against the dart arts at the end of the day. Sirius slunk passed them hoping he would get away with it but no such luck.

 

“hey where are you going.” James was a nosy bastard. Couldn’t he mind his own business, he hadn’t spoken to him in days but now he was suddenly all interested in where he was going.

 

“Just to see my brother.” That wasn’t entirely a lie.

 

“The Slytherin common rooms only in the dungeons you don’t need to pack for three days to get there.” Sirius faltered for a second, how did they know what he had in his bag, wait, they were joking, they were messing around, already Peter had set up exploding snap and Remus was pulling out snacks stolen from the kitchen from his bag. They wouldn’t realise he was missing later.

They walked off up to the room, Sirius turned around and left.

 

He knew the teachers checked the grounds for stray students at 9:00, so at 9:05, he would have to go quickly to get into Hogsmeade were he could grab a ride to Edinburgh City.

He crossed the grounds with no problem, Hogwarts wasn’t a prison. Hogsmeade was just a short walk from the gate. By then it was completely dark, and Sirius had to use the battery powered torch he had bought, he still had the trace and didn’t want to risk it, even though he was technically under the cover of the wizards and witches around him. He had only been to Hogsmeade once, but the trail looked so different in the dark, what were friendly pine trees that lined the edge now leered over him, the jagged leaves taunting him. Every scuffe and shuffle made him jump, even when it was his own feet.

 

Hogsmeade was a magic only village but there was a muggle road just over the hill from it. After 10 minutes of panicked walking he heard the faint sound of cars. It wasn’t that fast or busy, but one might stop. He reached the edge of the road, suddenly realising he didn’t know which way he needed to go to Edinburgh. Oh god. No. no thinking just doing. A car turned the corner and he stuck out his left thumb and held his right hand up to show he was unarmed. The car passed him, so did the next 7. 45 minutes after he got to the road, a battered jeep pulled over. He went around to the driver’s side to talk to them, it was an old woman in a large green coat and wellies, the sound of dogs barking in the back.

“are you heading to Edinburgh? I need to get to station.”

“near there, I’ll drop ya off at Dander’all”

“but that’s nearly a two hour walk away!”

“Well if that’s a problem I’ll be off”

She started up her engine.

“Okay, okay that’s fine.”

He got in the passenger seat in the back as the front was filled with a large box covered with a grubby cloth. He tried not to think what was in it. Next to him. Staring with large black eyes, sat a monster of a dog. It was huge, having to hunch over as it was too tall for the jeep, it coat was a dark grey and was a wet and muddy mess. Its tongue lolled lazily out its mouth showing off an array of sharp yellowed teeth. Common sense told him to back away and show submission to the beast. But a million-year-old instinct told him to reach out and touch it. Sirius liked dogs. This was no different. He put his hand out, the dog sniffed it, then tentatively licked it. Sirius reached up and scratched it ears, it’s was rough ad wet against his hand, it wagged its tail, thumping gently against the window.

“you and Padfoot get along well. He doesn’t usually like strangers, got a right temper at the best of times.”

“I think he’s just misunderstood.”

The woman thought that was funny.

“you got some kind of magical powers or s’mit”

“you could say that.”

She looked at him through the rear-view mirror. A confused look in her eye.

He continued to pet Padfoot, his big doe eyes had softened from a hard stare to a gentle gaze of understanding. It takes another monster to look into your soul to see that, neither of you were monsters in the first place.

 

They reached Danderhall in good time and he trekked on foot to the station, the big dog in the back of his mind the whole time, what a gentle beast. He hoped, that if reincarnation was real, he would become a dog like that in his next life. Strong and powerful, but also, in a way free. Dogs had loyal packs, they didn’t have to worry about schoolwork, or friends, or nasty visions. He reached the station at nearly 2 am. It was empty and the next train down to London wasn’t till 4. He sat in the all-night station café, ordered a tea and thought about Hogwarts so far. The other boys didn’t like him. He had sussed that out. That was his fault he was moody and didn’t do anything to dispel the associations around his name. Regulus was spying on him, that was confirmed. His mother still hadn’t written to him about the house he was in, in fact she hadn’t written at all and had instead chosen to communicate solely through Regulus. Classes were easy enough, when he taught them to himself. But to sit in a room with other people, he couldn’t keep up, McGonagall had called on him the other day to answer a question and he had frozen. He knew the answer, but he couldn’t get it out, James hadn’t even tried to hide his sniggering, it was such an easy question. But the others were all so loud and they looked at him and they all thought things and shared looks and inside jokes that he wasn’t in on. These were other teenagers, and he didn’t like them very much. He sat with his face between his folded arms on the table, just thinking about his peers made his heart beat fast and his hands shake. Would he ever get over this feeling, or would he die a nervous wreck like his father?

 

The train took nearly 4 hours plus the tube to get to his hotel. He checked in, put up the do not disturb sign and passed out on the lumpy mattress.

 

A few hours later he woke naturally, put on his leather jacket and jeans, a bit of eyeliner, that was what all the cool muggle rock bands were doing. He pulled out the fire whiskey and the vodka. If he started now he’d be just buzzed enough for the bars, then he could really get into it.

He had some shots then hit the streets, feeling more alive than he had since going to Hogwarts. It was 10pm, people were just starting to creep out of the shadows, weekend party goers and daily crackheads alike. He stood at the corner for a second, where first? He was an adult now, he could do magic. He scanned the street, no one sober enough to remember or notice anything was nearby, he put a cigarette to the mouth, and lit it, with a snap of his fingers. His first piece of unwatched magic. His head buzzed, with pride and alcohol, tonight was going to be good. Now what, hit a bar or go old school and get hammered in a park? No, he wanted bodies and people and music.

“that was a neat trick kid”

A man stood by a motorbike, a great monster of a machine, the kind in shitty magazines. The man himself was leaning against it, early twenties, leather jacket and dark hair.

“how’d ya do it?”

“a true magician never reveals his secrets”

“you like the bike?” Sirius found himself sauntering over in a semi-interested kind of way, he loved the bike, it was gorgeous. Before he realised it, he was standing facing the bike, their left shoulders touching slightly. A rough hand snaked up and plucked the cigarette out of his mouth. Sirius knew this game.

“what? I’ve never had a fag from a magician before.”

“you know, it’s my birthday today.”

“how old are you?”

“old enough for you to take me for a spin to celebrate.”

The man grinned, he was missing a tooth on his right, but he was all around attractive.

“why would I do that”

“if you don’t I’ll turn you into a toad”

“I’m hurt, I thought magicians pulled rabbits out of hats and other geeky shit. You’re not as nice as that Houdini guy.”

He reached round and brought out a spare helmet.

“I’m harry.”

Sirius thought for a second, he liked using an alias, but tonight was a night of taking risks.

“I’m Sirius.”

“if you don’t want to give me your real name that’s fine I guess, as long as I can call you something.” He was close now, Sirius should feel his breathe on his face, the guy was too drunk to ride a bike safely. He put the helmet to the side.

“I’m not gonna need this.”

 ===================================================

Sirius retched again, nothing but mucus and bile came sliding out his mouth and through his nose. He had long stopped trying to hold back his hair, it was already covered in dirt, beer and something that smelled suspiciously like piss, what was a bit more? He didn’t know where he was, but it definitely wasn’t the hotel he’d checked into on Saturday. Harry was already gone when he woke up, as was the rest of his cocaine, his cigarettes and the cash that was in his jeans but thank god he hadn’t nicked the coupon giving him 20p off his next Woolworths shop. Fantastic.

When he was certain nothing more would come up, and room seemed to stop spinning, he sat back on his haunches, balancing himself by resting his forehead on the edge of the toilet seat, trying not to think about what the stains were. He reached his hand over, feeling for the bath tap, praying to every deity he could think of that despite its looks, fresh hot water would come flooding out. The tap sputtered for a minute then cold grey water trickled out. The only way god could kick him down any lower at this point was if he got tetanus from touching the rusted tap.

He gathered himself, using all his mental and physical strength to pull himself up from the bathroom floor, unable to avoid catching a glimpse of himself in the mirror. His skin was a dangerous shade of grey, his eyes on contrast were bright red and puffy from both the drugs and being rubbed raw, snot and vomit was still running out of his nose and mouth and down his chin, spatters collecting on his shirt. Parts of his hair was wet with unknown fluids, the rest was dry and matted with more, dried up unknown fluids, and down the side of his head, dried blood had started to flake off. He would have to worry about the source of the blood later, for now though he just needed to focus on finding out where he was and getting back to Hogwarts.

He stumbled out the bathroom, grabbed his jacket and wand and climbed out the window. It was only the second story and there were bins below him. He jumped, and then he remembered, he was an adult now, he could do magic whenever, and wherever he pleased as long as no one saw.  He was his own wizard, he no longer had to rely on muggle technology or sheer luck to get by, he could use the gift that his ancestors had passed down from generation to generation.

This revelation came just a second too late as he hit the bin and felt his left ankle crack.

With as much dignity he could muster he climbed out the bin and hid down the side away from the street. What were the healing spells? He never really bothered to learn them, but he remembered the simple one “episky” his ankle cracked some more, the bruising went down but as he tried to stand up he could tell it still wasn’t right. He couldn’t waste his time trying to remember anymore healing spells he would have to find out when he got back, judging by the sun it was already past midday and his train tickets were in his bag in the hotel. He couldn’t be bothered to go and find it, he barely knew where he was. His only optioned seemed to be the Night bus. He hated it, but that was all there was. He went into an off-license and bought cigarettes and pack of beer. The cashier gave him an odd look but didn’t say anything, you had to give it too them, muggles were good at keeping to themselves sometimes. He went out and wandered around till he found a park and sat on the bench. What a disaster of a night. He couldn’t remember a thing, well actually that was a lie, he could remember feeling the wind on his face when harry took him out on his motorbike, and them going to a few bars together. Knocking back shots one after the other. Someone bought speed, he couldn’t remember who he just remembered taking it, then there was the rough sex, however many rounds that lasted. Then he woke up cold and hot at the same time, disorientated, barely making it to the toilet before all of the mistakes from the night before came crawling up from his stomach.

 

He watched the sun set over the trees and the gangs of muggle teenagers that loitered in the park eyeing him up. As long as he was gone before it was completely dark they should leave him alone, but until then he wanted to watch the sun go down, it was so beautiful, the colours the sky turned, from blue to purple to red, yellow and orange, slowly sinking into the black. The muggle teenagers were starting to get closer now, and there were more of them. The bigger ones had bikes, and backpacks which contained god knows what weaponry. He left his cans at the bench and walked away, not looking back, he had enough dealing with teenagers at school, he couldn’t deal with them here too. He reached a main road and stuck out his wand and streaking out of the dark came the big purple monstrosity that was wizarding public transport.

“one way to Hogsmeade please”

“oof you’re a bit far from ‘ome aren’t you”

He glared at the bus boy but took a seat, he was right, it was going to be a long and bumpy ride.

 

He got off the night bus and stood for a second trying to work out if he was going to be sick again. When he wasn’t he headed towards Hogwarts. It was nearly 3am and the town was quiet. Only a fox scurried out into the road, taking one glance at him, then darting off. He trekked back to Hogwarts, down through the trail surrounded by pine trees, not so menacing any more. Just shapes against the night sky. The pain in his leg was getting progressively worse, where before he could get by with a slight limp he now had to do a stupid looking hop-drag-shuffle move. Stopping every five minutes to relieve himself of the pain. He reached the castle and silently crept through the halls, ducking into empty classrooms and cupboards upon hearing teachers in the hallway. Eventually he made it to the dorm room. He cracked the door open, the three bodies seemed asleep, they all had 8:30s in the morning. He snuck in, heading to the bathroom to look at his foot. He shut the door and turned on the lamp. Sitting on the toilet he took off his shoe, his ankle was swollen and purple with bruising. His notes on healing spells were in his charms folder if he could just crack the door open and accio the folder over to him…

There was a knock on the door.

“Sirius?”

Remus opened the door slightly looking in. Sirius scrambled to hide his swollen foot under someone’s towel.

“Oh, hi sorry do you need to use the loo or somethin- “

“where’ve you been the past couple days?” oh. He hadn’t expected anyone realise he was gone, it was such a short amount of time, only two nights. Remus shuffled into the bathroom shutting the door behind him and casting a muffilato on the door.

“that ankle is broken, your gonna need to go down to Madam Pomphrey for that.” He pulled the towel off Sirius’ foot, ignoring his hiss in pain at the sudden movement.

“look I don’t need to go down to Pomphrey just pass me my charms folder and I’ll fix it using that”

“This isn’t a light fracture this is pretty much snapped, it takes years of practice to learn how to properly take care of an ankle this badly damaged.” Remus looked at the ankle thoughtfully, carefully reaching out to touch it. Then he took out his wand, pointing it at the bruised mass and muttered under his breathe “ferula”. The swelling slowly went down, and a loud crack shot the ankle back into place. Once Sirius had gotten over the pain he looked down at it, and tentatively stood up, testing it out.

“Woah, how’d you do that? Are you taking extra healing classes on the side?” Remus looked bashful and shy, holding his arms close to his chest and muttered something that Sirius couldn’t really hear. Either way it meant that he wouldn’t have to go to madam Pomphrey and make up and excuse. As he twirled on his freshly healed ankle he caught site of himself in the mirror, dried blood, vomit stains and all, and wandered what Remus thought he had done. Remus coughed slightly, and with a tentative voiced asked “where did you really go Friday.”

“just down to London, wanted to celebrate my birthday.”

“and you couldn’t do that here?”

“not properly no.” Remus reached out and with his wand lifted a dirty limp piece of Sirius’ hair “I think we both have different ideas of what ‘celebrating properly’ means.” But there was no malice or disgust in his voice, he was smiling slightly then said, “and how exactly did your ankle get broken.”

“jumped out a second story window, landed in a bin”

“couldn’t you use magic? Why did you jump?”

“I forgot.”

They both burst out laughing, the previous weeks awkwardness and hostility washed away by a mix of the absurdity of the situation and their over tiredness. When they stopped Remus spoke up,

“you have a shower, I’ll pass you some clean clothes, though we might have to incinerate the ones your wearing, could smell them from the bottom of Gryffindor tower”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sup bitch bet you thought you saw the last of me
> 
> anyway sorry for the long ass interval but I suffer from "can't write disease" and the doctor says its incurable :/ 
> 
> I hope you enjoy this gross ass chapter, all feedback is appreciated<3

**Author's Note:**

> Any feedback appreciated especially if i haven't written something well or not explained something properly as i don't beta these (is that the proper term?)  
> ill try and update weekly but i am very busy and a bit of a perfectionist so that may be rather optimistic.


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